Today, I hope that I can tie up loose ends, cut off the negative aspects of my life and start again.
The first thing that entails is dropping out of university. Now this is quite possibly the hardest thing I have had to do because I've always wanted to go to university and there never seemed to be another option.
Go to school, get my A Levels, go to uni and get my degree; that is the way my life was supposed to go. Well I'm at uni and miserable. Its more than me being lazy and not trying; I've always liked to work and research and study independently so in theory, uni should be a perfect match for me; but you know something is wrong when you have severe panic attacks before your lectures, you dread everything, you randomly burst out into tears throughout the day, your OCD goes through the roof and you wish you could just run away.
Does that sound like a positive experience to you? I didn't think so.
Coming home and telling my dad that I want to leave uni was one of the hardest things I had to do, he's always been my biggest supporter and worked so hard for me to go and here I am saying I want to leave! But honestly I couldn't possibly imagine myself staying there any longer.
I have a feeling that I chose the wrong university, and hopefully I will re-apply to some others soon. Its very difficult to not feel like I've failed or given up, but then I think back to how I felt when I was there and have to remind myself that it was not a healthy environment for me.
I have to stop worrying about what everyone around me is going to say when they find out and for me not to worry about how old I'm going to be when I finish uni because at the end of the day, this is my life and I have to take charge of it. I can't let these negative thoughts keep me from living my life; its happened in the past and I am determined to break that habit.
I have no clue what my future holds, but I am determined to be successful in which ever avenue I go down. This is a scary place for me to be in, I don't like not knowing what I'm going to do or what is my life is going to be like in the next few months. Starting over sounds like a breath of fresh air but its very scary, my anxiety level is so high right now. But hopefully, with some faith and hard work, I can pull through
-----
Okay, it is now the end of the day and I am totally frazzled. My sister came to talk to me and essentially told me all the negatives that decision comes with. The money that my dad worked SO HARD to get so I could go to university and here I am squandering it. Its very tempting to go back to my ways and hide, run away from all my problems. My mum also told me a similar thing. SO CONFUSED. Just want to cry =(
Its all well and good talking about starting over but actually doing it is a terrifying thing. Its so much more than just a state of mind
------
Everytime I think I can get my life on track, something brings me crashing down.
---
Wow cutting all negatives is so much harder than I thought.
Friday 5th October 2012
Okay so the ramblings above sounds like the manifesto of a crazy person. Needless to say, I'm in a very confusing place right now. I feel like there is so much pressure for me to go to uni its crazy! Its not that I don't want to go, its just that the one I went to was clearly not for me and I want to start over. But, I feel like everyone around me is rushing me into decisions, like, you have to start again in January; this is important for us. What to do. I was meant to be the first one to go to uni and get a degree in my family; I personally want to get a degree more for my families sake than for mine. I know that it will be very beneficial for me for the future but this is a crazy amount of pressure.
So I am sitting in my room, currently 5:15pm, at a standstill. What to do. I almost feel like it would be better for me to have no expectations from anyone, that way I could follow my own path, no one I have to please but myself and then surprise the hell out of everyone when I become successful. I wish.
I have realised that it is infinitely harder to mold your life to what you want it to be when everything around you stays the same. How could I expect change when nothing else has?
Thursday 18th October 2012
Do you ever have one of those moods where you feel like you're floating in limbo? You are neither here or there and you spend your entire day lying on your bed watching random Ellen videos on youtube? Well that was my day today; it is currently 7:08pm and I have done nothing with my day. I feel like I haven't done anything with my day for a while now.
Yesterday I woke up at 12:33, so that was half of my day gone already. I really wanted to make my regular Youtube videos about Bleach and Naruto but I really couldn't. I was in such a low mood and if I had made a video, it would have been super depressing to watch. I was also frustrated with my Youtube channel.
I want my channel to be something I can be proud of, I want to put in effort with my videos and content but with the nature of the manga community on Youtube, I find it rather difficult. -- Actually this will be another blog post entirely, so look out for that.
It is very easy to find yourself stuck in a routine and every night before I go to bed I say to myself that tomorrow, I'm going to get up and do something about it. But before I know it, its 6pm and I have done shit all. I'm stuck.
I feel like I need some sort of end goal or general direction of where I'm heading; if I have that at least I could focus on something instead of constantly floating like I'm doing now.
I'm 19 for eff sake! I should be out there loving life! Not hibernating in my room. I know something needs to change but I'm not sure how to go about it. Do I get a job? -- But I don't know when I'll be going back to uni. Going out with friends-- not really an option as 99% are at uni and the other 1% don't live in the country. I suppose a part time job might do the trick, if I'm lucky enough to find one that is.
Anyway, I'm signing off on this post, finally, and going to start writing my Youtube one.
 |
| Love ya! |
